Here I am sitting alone on campus, procrastinating to finish my assignments that are due by 2 when an idea struck my mind, why are there so many things people dislike about themselves? Actually of all those things that they dislike, how many of those are actually real? or how about those who see themselves in such a low light, there must be one thing that you like about yourself? As I sit here and think about it I came to realize that there are plenty of things we dislike about ourselves, but what about that one thing, just one that we actually really like about ourselves? Who knows perhaps we can learn to like ourselves just a little bit more if we admit that we like at least one thing about ourselves right?
So here’s my challenge: Admit to someone or yourself or the world one thing about yourself that you truly hate or fear, and then after you do that admit to that same person/self/world something about yourself that your really like. Be as sincere as possible
Something about myself that I truly fear, is that I am invisible, easily forgotten, or left behind anddd something I actually like about myself is that regardless of how close you are to me I am a damn good friend.
Now I don’t care if you post this or tell me or w/e but I do hope you at least admit it to yourself because it could just help you realize your not as bad as you think
Pause. After you read this sentence I want you to look in the mirror. When your done Proceed.
Did you look at yourself? Did you like what you saw? Did you only see the physical? Were you able to look deep inside yourself?
Its 5:54am and I couldn’t fall back asleep so I went to the bathroom to try and wash my face and go to bed again. That’s when I looked up and saw myself in the mirror. For a moment I noticed so many things and realized something really important. What am I really looking at? and What do I really see?
We look at ourselves at least once a day and we look at another human being at least once a day (at least I hope you do) and when you look at those other people what do you do? you look at them and try and understand them. When was the last time you looked at someone’s eyes or even them as a whole and made a real connection with them? when was the last time you looked at someone and knew how they truly felt? when was the last time you looked at someone’s eyes and saw the pain, the happiness, the fear, and the passion?
When I look at people I try to do all those things all the time. I try to recognize when they are upset, when they are truly happy, when they are genuinely afraid. I like to look at people’s eyes because as cliche as it is they truly are the gateway to another person’s heart and soul. Now I won’t say I’m some professional and reading emotion just by looking at someone’s face but I will admit I’ve been doing it long enough to understand it at a decent amount. Going back on topic though I noticed something when I looked in the mirror. I had never really gazed at my own eyes and my own face. I never really checked to see what I saw when i looked at myself or what others see when they look at me.
It was then that I saw it. I saw a broken boy. Not yet a man, no i didn’t deserve that title yet (i mean c’mon i still live at home and don’t make my own income lmao) But the thing was that I wasn’t broken in the worst way. I was broken because I left myself that way. I did so because I was missing something and never thought that void could be filled.
Thats when it hit me. We’re all missing something. All of us. Whether it be the love of a parent, the physical presence of a parent, loss of a loved one, a heart break, a break-up (not always the same as a heart break), lack of friends, lack of confidence, loss of physical functions, etc. Everyone in the entire world is missing something and most often we use that missing thing as an excuse to be hurt, damaged, bitter, scarred, etc. We all run from it, we all confront it, and yet either way the void still exists. Its not because closure with who or what ever caused it is never obtained, its not because nothing can come close to the emptiness left behind. We let that void sit because what would we be without it?
I’ll admit it myself, I honestly wondered, “what would I be if I wasn’t bitter about my dad, or the many failures in my love life” and not knowing left me with the idea that I was still hurt by these things, that even though I know its there and i’ve confronted it and “gotten over it” I just won’t let it go, because I don’t know what I’d be without it.
Well here is my closing message, Look at yourself in the mirror and imagine urself without that void. Letting a heart breaker go, letting go of the bitterness of ur past, the pain, the stupidity, the pettiness. Just let it all go for a moment and look at yourself. Its the same, maybe even better. You may not even have noticed that you might have cracked a smile when u just took a deep breath and let it all go for a brief moment. We are all bitter and damaged and broken in some way. Its not about getting over it. Its about letting it go and forgetting about it. Forget it about it because if it happened you can’t change it, rather use it to be better and leave it behind you. The more weight you drag with you the slower you move in life and the world won’t slow down or stop for you. So pick up the pace.
Ok so I love Batman and after reading Justice League Tower of Babel and watching Justice League Doom I realize that yes, Batman is super paranoid and to have made contingency plans against any and all members of the Justice League is a complete breach of trust. What I realized though during one of his speeches was that he mentions that they are the most power beings on the planet and maybe even the universe and to not have a fail safe in case of mind control or switching sides (which has happened to many) would be “damn foolish”. In the counter argument that “they have used their powers for justice, always have and always will” showed me something. Arrogance. Their power and deeds have shown that they have become quite arrogant into believing that their wills can not be broken to bend to the other side. Everyone and anyone can easily be twisted by the simplest trigger. To be so arrogant to believe you yourself can not be changed and shouldn’t require a back up plan to neutralize them is just once again… Damn foolish.
obviously there is more to it but I don’t feel like typing so yea.
I wrote my last post as a warning because I saw dark times coming for me. Those dark times have arrived. I don’t really know whats going to happen to me just yet but I do know one thing, I have so many things to deal with that I can’t even sit down and feel sorry for myself let alone cry or try and recuperate.
I don’t really know how many people follow this blog, nor do I know why I am writing this, but I doing this for my own protection almost like a third person view. I am for the first time in a long time going to break a promise. To a few people I promised I would never reach that low of a place that I’d go back to how I felt and thought in high school, but I regret to say I am at that place again. In order to prevent something horrible I hope anyone who see’s this knows.
It would be best for me not to be left alone for long.
Dear Maria LaRocca, Hey Maria! It is finally your turn to receive a letter from your good old (but younger than you) friend Sonny. I’d like to just start out by saying how different you seem to have become over the course of the three years that I’ve known you, and I don’t know if it is because of college or because of life, and I also don’t know if its really that you changed at all, but maybe that you just opened up to us more because you got closer to us. Either way I like that you’ve become so much more out going than you were when we first met. I will say that ever since we first started talking I would have never guessed that you would become someone I talk to a lot and can even turn to for my problems, not that there was something wrong with you I just didn’t really imagine it. Now that we do talk a lot though I can honestly say that you have become a very big part in my life and my only regret when it comes to you would be that while you were here I didn’t get to spend that much time with you. Well I digress, I truly enjoy how you bring back the more entertaining sides of jokes and moments more so than insulting ones. Such as the fact that we all treat you as though you were a child or the most innocent being on the planet to the point where we’ll go crazy over one inappropriate word you say or bash on anyone who bothers/insults you for even a second. Now I know we joke around a lot, but i truly do love you (kidding right?) as a friend though so don’t freak out haha and don’t let Arren make it seem like otherwise! Also don’t tell your mother that either hahaha. Well its about that time to wind down the letter and I’m resisting the urge to bust out some jokes about how you never really get whats going on when anyone in our group becomes a little ridiculous (mostly Arren or myself though haha) but either way I hope to see you soon and bust some Zombie heads.
Maria you are so hilarious even when you try to be serious, now I know we confuse you but we get confused too on how random we are but we still got this far so I don’t worry and I wish you would hurry, back here to Maryland so we could all meet up again.
Dear Lillian Tran, Hey der Rirrian you are currently bumming it in my room as you usually do when you come over and hang out at my house. Moving along though I’d like to really quickly state how much I appreciate how much you’ve done for me over the years we’ve known each other. I know that when we first met in Japanese class I was super annoying and constantly bothered you, but I like to think of it as my little brother instincts kicking in and its like the world knew we would have that kind of friendship so it made me behave that way naturally. Either way, after meeting you in the class you quickly became one of my greatest friends and guardians. Even though you are my sister’s friend you still take the time out to hear whats going on in my life and how I’m doing even if it’s the stupidest little thing or a huge problem that I need help dealing with. Plus you helped me a lot during my darker times and your random notes/messages really helped me through those times, so thanks. You should know that whenever I mention to people who are the most important or special people in my life I always mention you as my “other sister” who often takes care of me and actually cares about how I am rather than just seeing me as “my friend’s little brother”. I also do enjoy how unique our friendship is, especially seeing as how everyone seems to think there is something more going on (gross) when in reality it’s just that we’re really close. I usually enjoy the moments when we’ll say something like “THIS IS NOT A DATE” and then I’ll make it even awkwarder by saying “Look Lillian, I don’t wanna fight right now…” hahahaha I know most people don’t get it but I know you will and that’s all that really matters right? Well as I’ve pretty much explained in this entire letter, I do really appreciate how much of a help you were for me and how you always look out for me like I’m your little brother and I like how I can make u feel really insecure by joking about your looks (Before = Hot: Now = eh lmao). But yea I just thought you should know that you stand as a constant guiding light and an anchor for whenever I may need help from someone.
I know you might be going to Japan and it sounds like a great plan, but I’ll miss you so much that I’d rather take a punch. Now even though I’ll be sad I don’t think it will be bad, because the lessons you taught won’t be for naught. Now even though you’re real far and I can’t get there by car, I’ll keep in touch because I love you so much
Your “replacement date”, *refers to VSA night thingy lol* Sonny Maeng
Dear Arren Pineda, Hey you putris whats up? Just kidding, time to be serious. Arren you have been my friend for about three plus years now and there is something I really need to tell you. You are the most ridiculously funny guy i have ever met in my life. You always seem to have this outrageous ability to find the humor or lighter side of pretty much any situation and you try really hard to be the mediator of all kinds of disputes or arguments. You inspire me to do the same quite often and I try to find the lighter side of things especially arguments and also I try really hard to be funnier because you seem to lighten the mood really well given any circumstances. Now what really amazes me is how much you care and how serious you can be even though you are so lighthearted and cheerful. More often than naught you ask me how I’m doing and really try to get me to talk about the real issues that I try hard not to admit to or face and rather than push me into telling you about it or forcing it out, you have an amazing way of gently giving that “pat on the shoulder” kind of thing that just makes people want to open up to you. In all honesty I feel like you treat people truly as they should be treated, you don’t force them to talk about the issues they need to talk about, instead you gently nudge them in that direction until they are ready to open up and even if it’s not to you, you still feel good about helping someone open up. Along with that you often like to open up to others as well if they open up to you so that you can show that you trust them just as much as they trust you. Those traits are the exact traits of a truly and genuinely good person. You are by far the most genuine good person that I know, you never seem to complain about having to help people or anything like that but rather find gratitude in knowing that they are doing fine or okay. I hope that one day I can be like you and even though i never say it i aspire everyday to be a better person so that maybe I can do for others what you have done for me and countless others.
Hey Batman West I think you are truly the best, and you maybe a putris I know that you got this. Now I know you like IU so don’t let her get by you, because we know you’d treat her right, cuz you’re the friggin dark knight.
Dear Cindy Le, Hey there Cindy! How are you doing now a days? It seems like we don’t talk much anymore but I feel like that’s just because you’re very busy and if you are not then CALL ME! lol. Luckily I know that even if we don’t talk for a while we’ll still be the best of friends =]. I guess I quickly wanted to start off by saying how much of an inspiration you are to me. Although you may not directly give me advice or anything like that, you inspire me by your actions. You are always on top of things and very good at prioritizing the practical things in your life that I often mirror that style when planning out my days/weeks. Often when I sit at home and wonder what it is I should be doing and when I should do it I ask “what would Cindy do first”. So thanks for that =], also I’d like to say how much I love you, not because you are with my best friend, but rather because you ARE my best friend. You should know that I am always here for you no matter what and if you ever need my help I’m here for you just like I know you’d be there for me. I know life can be hard sometimes and doing things we aren’t used to or seem scary can be even harder to do but we must work hard to get over those things! I am constantly amazed by how strong of a person you are, because although you don’t realize it, it takes a lot of strength and patience to do all the things that you deal with on a daily basis along with having the strength and self control to do what has to be done more so than what you want to do. I would like it though if you cut back sometimes and just sit back and relax, watch the stars maybe or go to a park and lay on the grass and think of nothing. Maybe we’ll do that together one day =]. I truly enjoy your sense of humor and how up beat of a person you are especially after all the weird and awkwardness I bring to a friendship you seemed to have looked past it to see the kind of person I really am, and I appreciate that. I also appreciate how you constantly remind me how important I am to you and keep my over-dramatic assumptions in check, along with reminding me of how strong I am. You also help me look for the lighter side of things and stay positive about the future that will inevitably be coming so thank you for being a sort of guardian light for me and I hope that one day I can repay you for everything you’ve done for me.
I know that I’m a handsome Maeng Clearly the pictures show. When you come to MD, we can surely hang and see my asian glow. (Arren wrote this.)
You are always inspiring And I know that can be tiring, but you do it so well so sometimes it can be hard to tell that I care about you so much so lets grab some lunch!
Hey Silverclaim! Man I haven’t used that name in forever lol. Well I once again seem to be at a loss of words at where to start with this haha. We’ve been through so much together since we met and although it hasn’t always been smooth we seem to get by pretty well. I guess the first thing I’d like to say is how important of a person you are to me. You are one my best friends and very near and dear to my heart, you constantly keep me leveled and although it may not seem so you help bring me up when I’m down (usually by yelling at me but that’s ok i guess). Now I know you have problems when it comes to knowing who your real friends are and who you can rely on let alone open up to, but i hope you know that even though we may not always talk or talk all the time i am one of those people you can lean on. Ever since the day we met i made it one of my priorities to be there for you, not because you need it or anything like that but rather it was because i wanted to be that friend to you that you could go to for anything, whether it was crying about stupid things, yelling about someone pissing you off, or sharing a laugh because something was funny. I know that you really enjoy having someone around all the time both emotionally and physically and although i can’t do both of those all the time you should know that I’m always with you no matter what happens and if ANYTHING ever happens you can call me. I feel sometimes that you question how much you can depend on me, but you should know that i depend on you a lot and i can only hope u feel the same in return. I also hope that you never question how close we are as friends, because even though you’re not used to it, we will always be the best of friends no matter how long we don’t talk or how long we don’t see each other. Now i do wish we could see each other more often, but sadly distance has created a rift between us, and i know someone being there physically to comfort you is much better than hearing it through the phone/text/video chat, but i do the best that i can and you have to admit i do pretty well. Well to finish up on a happier note, I’ll say that our friendship is still pretty bomb seeing as how we complement each other pretty well and we play off one another’s weaknesses and i think that works well with us. We know each other almost inside and out and so I just wanted to give u a quick reminder of how much our friendship means to me.
You made me take down my last poem I really wish I could have shown’em how funny it was for me to write but I’m pretty sure it would have started a fight. It sucks that I can’t see you whenever and honestly it feels like forever since we last hung out but no need to pout, Cuz you’re as cute as a bug so just wait and I’ll give you a hug. Now you’re too short to hug my head so you’ll have to make due with my chest I know after saying that I’ll be dead so I’ll just have to wish for the best.
So yea I’m pretty sure everyone saw this one coming lmao. Due to the fact that there is literally and infinite amount of things i could say to you i think i’ll just narrow it down by focusing on one thing, our style of friendship. Now i know even this topic could be crazy in the sense of how much could be said but i feel like only key points will do hahaha. You are my best friend. Plain and simple you have been there for me from thick and thin, no matter what kind of person i was like (a douche, a cocky wannabe, an emo, an idiot, etc.) and you always say that you stick with me because you know i am capable of being a great person and no matter what you know that person is deep down somewhere. You constantly remind me that i can and should be a better person and should never use sad moments or hardships as an excuse to be anything less than my best. Something i’ve noticed too that we’ve talked about was how even though we are very similar, we are also very very different. We have many different interests and many different beliefs and stances on subjects, but what i find amazing is that rather than merely leaving it to us “being different” or arguing about it we instead discuss almost everything until we both see where each other is standing from but just dont agree with it. I feel like it is because of the way our relationship is structured in such a “discussion” and “insightful” stand point that we help one another grow so much. Our relationship has become one of the biggest influences in my growth to being an adult and a better person in general. Plus you never seem to give me and ounce of pity, which you know i despise, and keep things real with me which helps me see clearly as well, which may be hurtful sometimes but always helpful in the end. Now I know i say this all the time so i’ll say it for the 140927510925012th time, YOU NEVER FRIGGIN BOTHER ME SO HIT ME UP WHEN YOUR IN TROUBLE BOY! I bitch at you all the time i think the very least i could do is deal with some bitching in return. I also know that we often make things a silent competition between us, but i’m glad that it hasnt turned us into “frienemies” but instead pushes us to do the best we can until a silent winner is said and we move on to the next challenge. SO to make this end (finally lol), though there is much more i’d like to say, i’ll end it with this.
You are my best friend and I don’t think that will ever end. We know life can be rough so we’ll just have to be tough So that we can meet up at the end of the road.
Hey Sarah! I decided my very first letter would be to you. I will admit that due to me waking up late and my family get together I’m doing this really last minute so I’ll have to just write what ever comes to my head when I think about you (which might be trouble b/c there is so much I’d like to say). First off, I’d like to say that I am amazingly grateful for everything you’ve done for me, as my girlfriend and as one of my best friends. Regardless of what our relationship seems to be you always seem to support me no matter what it is. I may never really be able to say it or express it enough but you help me a lot in my fluctuating self esteem issues. Whether it be about my fear of being unimportant or invisible, or dancing, or singing, and even doing the really weird and random stuff that you know I do. Thanks =]. I would also like to thank you for all the effort you’ve put in trying to get to know me and get through my “wall of diamond” I know it can be a pain and that I can be really stubborn about trusting people and letting people in, but you should know you’ve helped me open up a lot and taught me to look for the brighter parts of people’s personalities. Wow this just seems like a long thank you letter haha. Anyway I should let you know how much I appreciate you as my girlfriend and I’m trying really hard to be a good boyfriend to you, but of course I’ll work a little harder =]. At the end of the day your words help me push myself to be a better person and so I’ll end this letter with something for you!
I know I can be a lot of work and I know I’m really a dork but through all the drama and all the bad karma you help me be a better person So with no further delay I just have to say, you make me whole so lets eat a large Pho bowl.
*Just a quick point since I can’t really depict dancing/singing in a picture and wanna keep it short and sweet I’ll be making a video of my freestyle/singing or rapping at the end of 100 days to show what I’ve got. So I will be posting my letters here instead*